Why I Struggle With This Time of Year More Than Any Other as An Adoptee (And Who God Sent to Help Me With That!)

 Angela and I are not a DNA match. (Insert primal scream here.) It’s back to the drawing board.

I spiritually and emotionally prepared myself for it this time
more than any other before this. I didn’t stockpile Razzleberry pies. I’m not bloated today from binging. I am so disappointed but not slayed. I’m not taking off work. I’ll get a lot more done now that I’m not checking DNA results 30 times a day. I’m not laying in bed crying. I’m not feeling as if I want to check out of life and leave this world.  I’m stronger now. This time I’m just taking a big breath and moving forward with everything in life including searching. Regina kept working last night on the next thing. (There’s always a next thing.) Later this evening I will do some paperwork to send out on the search.Looking on the positive side, Angela (who tested for me) is still my friend and is “boots on the ground” in Richmond to help me with whatever I need in continuing to search for my father. Since she’s connected in the Greek community and knows a lot of people  who were living there at the time I was born, she is there to help.I did not share this yet here on the blog, but one of the reasons Angela was so eager to help me when I cold called her is that she is a first mother who relinquished a son for adoption when she was a teenager. They have been reunited in the past few years. She knows how important this is to me. She has experienced it in her own life. She wants to do anything she can to help me. We will always remain friends.Last night I texted with my sister Kim (who is also adopted) and told her I wish I didn’t care so much about this. She said, “why don’t you just pray that? Pray that you won’t care anymore.” I told her I have. It’s true, I have prayed so many times that I just wouldn’t care anymore about my bio father. That I could just let it go. But the gnawing never ends no matter how much I pray. I really have come to the conclusion that God puts an innate desire in human beings to know where and who we come from. I’ve met far more adoptees who want to know — who “have” to know – more than those who don’t care.

The most challenging thing for me on a daily basis is
forgiveness. The bible talks about the number of times we need to forgive someone — 70 x 7. (That’s another way to say — an infinite number of time times.)  Welp, today I’m at 3,009. That’s the number of days it has been since
my bio mother told me my father’s name would go with her to her grave. That was the
day she told me she would “never, ever tell me his name.” Shortly after that, she died. She made good on her promise.  Every day since that
day 3, 009 days ago, I’ve gotten up in the morning each day still looking at this face in the mirror, trying to find his face in mine. And in that frustration, I eek out the words, “I forgive you.” It’s a daily thing, not a once and done. Because the
longing to know him never goes away.  So
neither does the sad feeling about why I don’t know his name or know him.  Her decision affects my life each day and then I make a decision all over again to forgive on the next day and the next day and the next day after that when I
still don’t know who he is.I’m a believer, and forgiving is what we do. Even if it takes forever.

 Today makes 10 days
since the DNA test was sent in. It feels as slow as molasses.

This isn’t my first rodeo with waiting on a DNA test and one thing I have learned is that the only
way to stay half way sane is by immersing myself in activity.

It’s difficult to not
think about the results 24/7.

Lucky for me, I lead a pretty busy life all the time. There’s
always plenty of work beckoning me for my  job as well as things at home and
school. We’ve been on a staycation this week but there has still been constant cooking, cleaning, and we’ve been doing some special projects.  Since I have five book reviews due in the next 10 days for school, I’m pretty immersed
in that as well, When you’re in grad
school it doesn’t matter what else is happening — you just stick with it if you’re going to finish. Over the last few years, even if it’s been my most hectic work week, or I’ve been on the road for work, or someone has died, or anything really – school work has to go on if I’m going to succeed with it.

Livvy has been with us
this week and that has been good for me too. I’ve taken her swimming a few
times, and we went putt putt golfing. It’s easy to get taken up with anything
she’s involved in, as I treasure every moment with her.We went to a new Mediterranean restaurant in the area that was out of this world. She’s an extremely picky eater and even she loved it.  

I’ve heard that Covid
19 has slowed down some of the results from getting in as fast with the various DNA companies but I’m hoping
that doesn’t happen.

If it’s a match, I have
so many plans I don’t even know where to start first!! (Except screaming with
glee.) I’m already planning a party, as well as a visit to Richmond.

If it’s not a match, I’ll
probably be numb about it for a day or two. Hopefully it’s not a day I have to preach but
if it is, it’ll be okay. I tend to do alright even in that case as I lean on
the Lord even more than I normally would. And that’s always a win!

I know I’m going to be
okay no matter the outcome. I’m just really, really tired of the same outcome
for 54 years. This has been going on for so long. I’m ready for victory over the not knowing.The not knowing is the worst.

When my bio mother
died, Michele, an adoptee friend who is a strong Christian, simply wrote five words on
my Facebook page, “She is not the victor!” That stuck with me.  

Hundreds of people were
writing on my page, texting me, calling me when I posted that she had died. Most of
them were upset, not just that she died but because they realized that when she
died she took the secret to the grave with her. They all assumed (and they were right) that I
was feeling all hope was gone.  If I had to characterize the main thing I felt, that was it. Hope was lost. Michele’s declaration was what I needed to hear
in that moment. It held me for the months following and it holds me now. Anytime I get really discouraged I think to myself, “She is NOT the victor!!”And I remind myself, I’m actually still alive.I’m still here. And I’m not giving up!”I remind myself that while she took the secret to the grave with her, that’s where she is — in a grave. I’m still walking the planet, and I’m still searching and I’ve got great people with me who are also committed to the search. I remind myself – IT’S NOT OVER. She doesn’t get to write the end of the story.  And when I do get a DNA match, I may
even get a cake at Publix that says, “She is not the victor!”