Forgiveness is often discussed as something noble and admirable, but in reality, it can feel far more challenging than the simple “just let it go” advice we sometimes hear. Forgiving someone, especially when they’ve hurt you deeply, is often a long and complex journey. It requires emotional work and resilience. While it can be hard, releasing the burden of resentment will help you lighten your heart and create healthier, more positive spaces in your life. So, why would you wait if you can start the journey of forgiveness today?
Step 1: Recognize the Need to Forgive
One of the hardest steps on this journey of forgiveness is realizing there is something you need to eventually let go of. Sometimes, it’s easy to hold onto anger and resentment without fully understanding the toll it takes on you. If you carry around unaddressed anger, it builds. Untreated, it can manifest in unexpected ways. It can seep into unrelated parts of your lives, tainting your perceptions and adding strain to your relationships with your partner and loved ones.
Think of it like carrying a bag of stones on your back; each resentment, hurt, or unresolved issue is a stone you add. At first, you probably don’t even notice the weight. However, as time goes on, the weight can start slowing you down, making everything feel just a little bit harder. That’s why the first step is to recognize this weight, to take a moment to say, “I don’t want to carry this anymore.” That acknowledgment alone can be powerful, almost as a kind of relief.
Step 2: Understand What Forgiveness Really Means
When we think about forgiveness, a lot of us picture a scene from a movie – maybe the main character tearfully forgives someone, and everything feels resolved in a dramatic embrace. In reality, forgiveness doesn’t usually happen in one grand moment. It can look more like a quiet, persistent resolve to let go of resentment a little each day.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what someone else did or acting like the hurt didn’t happen. It’s not about minimizing the pain or excusing actions that hurt us. It’s about choosing to release the grip that resentment has on us so that we can move forward without dragging that hurt along. Think of it as making a decision to stop letting past hurts control our present life.
Step 3: Give Yourself The Permission to Feel
Sometimes, we rush through the motions of forgiveness because we think it’s the “right” thing to do, but in doing so, we might skip over processing our actual feelings. Resentment is a real emotion, often rooted in pain, anger, or betrayal. It deserves to be felt, acknowledged, and understood. If you deny or push away those emotions, you may never really move past them. Giving yourself space to feel what you need to feel – sadness, anger, disappointment – is an important part of the journey of forgiveness.
This doesn’t mean you have to act on every feeling that arises or dwell on the pain. Instead, it means giving yourself permission to feel, to journal, to talk to a friend, or even seek professional help if you need it. Many people wonder about the effectiveness of virtual therapy, especially when dealing with complex emotions like forgiveness. Virtual sessions offer flexibility and accessibility, making it easier for individuals to seek support in a comfortable environment. They can absolutely provide a way for individuals to explore their emotions, similar to in-person appointments. By giving voice to your emotions, you begin to understand them, and in doing so, you allow yourself the chance to let them go eventually.
Step 4: Release Resentment Step by Step
If forgiveness feels too big, maybe it’s time to break it down. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing decision. You can start with small, intentional steps, releasing resentment little by little. Think of it as letting go of one stone at a time rather than trying to empty the entire bag in one go. In other words, you need to forgive and forget until you can eventually let it go.
Step 5: Practice Empathy and Understanding
When we’ve been hurt, the last thing we might want to do is empathize with the person who caused it. But empathy doesn’t mean excusing someone’s actions. In actuality, it’s more about trying to understand what led them there. Just like the saying goes: hurt people hurt people. Often, those who cause pain are dealing with their own unresolved issues or carrying their own burdens. Recognizing that someone else’s behavior usually stems from their struggles can make forgiveness feel a little less impossible.
Furthermore, empathy can also help you shift your focus. Rather than centering on all the ways you feel wronged by someone, you should focus on seeing the bigger picture. Find compassion for the person who hurt you and, more importantly, for yourself. That’s the only way you can heal emotionally.
Step 6: Set Boundaries When Necessary
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should invite someone back into your life in the same way, nor does it mean ignoring the possibility of being hurt again. Sometimes, the healthiest form of forgiveness includes setting clear boundaries. You can forgive someone and still choose to limit their role in your life.
Boundaries allow you to protect yourself while moving forward. They give you the freedom to let go of resentment without putting yourself back in a vulnerable position. Forgiveness is not about sacrificing your well-being; it’s about protecting it by freeing yourself from the weight of grudges and resentment.
Step 7: Forgive Yourself
Often, people hold resentment toward themselves for allowing certain people into their lives or for not standing up for themselves sooner. In contrast, self-forgiveness can feel like peeling back layers of self-judgment, guilt, and regret, but it’s crucial. You can’t truly release resentment toward others if you’re still holding onto anger toward yourself.
Just like forgiving others, forgiving yourself is an act of kindness and self-love that allows you to move forward.
Final Thoughts
At the heart of it, the journey of forgiveness is very personal. It’s not something you can or should do to let someone off the hook or to make them feel better. You should forgive to release yourself from the chains of resentment. Carrying around anger and hurt only keeps you stuck, often in a cycle of pain. Letting go doesn’t mean that the hurt wasn’t real or that it didn’t impact you; it simply means choosing to let that hurt no longer define or control us.
Resources: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6603330/
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgiveness
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_new_science_of_forgiveness
