In this episode we meet Cindy Stewart and Dawn Tracz, who are both adoptees. Cindy and Dawn share their experiences of secrecy in their adoption stories.
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Adoptees: Go Where the Light and Love Are
Adoptees often face proverbial brick walls within their birth or adoptive family. These walls are fortified by misplaced
loyalty, secrets, lies, (many of being lies by omission) and the like. Many times well-meaning people will take up the cause of those who are committed to live in secrets and lies. Sometimes they are even loyal to the dead, which is the most bizarre of all.
If you keep secrets, you don’t love.
If you lie, you don’t love.
If you build a wall with people who have done nothing but seek
the truth and are committed to live in truth, that’s not love.
Why don’t we go where the light is…where the love is? It’ because we may not think we deserve it. That’s how I felt until very recently.
I am determined to a fault. Giving up is not my strong suit. And, for so long I did not want to
let go of toxic people just because I
went through hell and back to find them.
My walking path yesterday
Sometimes we have spent so much time walking
in the wrong direction, we keep doing it just because we are so committed to
it. We started out on this road, and by God we’re gonna finish on it! We feel like we have to keep walking down that same path because we’ve
invested so much. Do we really expect the wrong direction to suddenly become right? I did. For a long time, I did. I’m also a believer in miracles, and in people’s ability to change. God knows I’ve changed. I believe other people can too. But sometimes, they don’t. And there we are on the same broken down God-forsaken path that we are hoping beyond hope will change. The difficult truth is that everyone is not committed to truth, change and growth.
Life with toxic people is a one-way street. It won’t lead you back to where you belong. And
it prevents you from spending all the time you can with the people who really care about you.
If they lie to you, keep secrets from you or expect you to play along in any kind of
make-believe world, that is NOT OKAY.
It’s not normal.
It’s not healthy.
It’s not love.
Through some close
friends who have walked with me on this journey, I finally have it through to
my head that people who treat me this way do not deserve me. Life is too short to pursue people
who don’t have enough respect to tell you the truth and to live in the truth.
Someone who has to hide
their relationship with you doesn’t deserve you. Someone who tells people you
are a “friend” when you are really their son or daughter doesn’t deserve you.
Someone who tells people they have two children when they really have three
doesn’t deserve you. Someone who says they have one sibling and not two doesn’t
deserve you. Someone who takes up for their secretive lying family member to preserve their “dignity” pride doesn’t
deserve you. Someone who lies to you about who your father is, they do not love
you. Someone who gives you false clues about who your father is to throw you off track and preserve your mother’s secret doesn’t love you. If someone says they do not know who your father is, but they really do,
they do not love you. If they say they know absolutely nothing about him or the situation but they know even a shred of truth, they do not deserve the blessing of you.
Life is too short to
live in their fantasy world!!! This is not as complicated as some people make it out to be. If they
do not speak the truth and if they do not support you knowing the truth, they are
not kind. They do not love you. They are not a nice person. They are not a good person. It’s as
simple as that. God has more for you than this. You do not have to be a
suffering saint on behalf of your birth family, your adoptive family, or anyone in this world!! No
one has been given the destiny of a doormat and you were not created to be
anyone’s dirty little secret!
I have finally realized that there are pure-hearted people who actually care, who
love me or have the potential to truly love me (and vice versa) who have been
begging me to meet for coffee and the like but I just haven’t made the time
yet. Guess what, I’m making time!!
I’m so sorry to all the friends who
told me, “you deserve more than this” while I kept banging my head against the
proverbial wall trying to keep a connection with toxic people.
Welcome to 2019 and a gal who finally knows her value.
My friends and I are still hard at work on my father-search. I go into any potential paternal reunion a different person. This search WILL ultimately result in success
at some point. The DNA databases are exploding. They say it’s only a matter of
time before everyone on the planet has a first or second cousin on both sides. And more people are testing
internationally every day. More Greek matches are coming for me, for sure. I am going
into my paternal reunion in a different head space. My father may be dead by
that time my case is solved, but the rules will apply for any family member I meet. I will go into
this future reunion knowing my value. That will make for a very different
scenario than it did with my maternal reunion. I’m entering this from a place
of strength, not weakness.
Join me, my friend. Let go of what is toxic in 2019. Live in truth and love and make room for all the goodness God has for
you. Wonderful people will line up to meet you for coffee, I promise.
Ep 4. Jason’s Journey: Finding the Missing Piece of Love
Join Jason on a heartfelt journey as he explores the question: ‘Who do you seek or need more love from, your mother or your father?’ In this episode of ‘Jason’s Journey: Finding the Missing Piece of Love,’ he reflects on the profound impact of adoption and how it becomes an internal quest. Tune in for poignant insights and personal reflections on the power of love and identity.
Bio Father Search: The Cold Case Just Got Hot!
Mr. Spin has the beginnings of dementia. This explains the merry-go-round of a conversation we had earlier this week. How do I know this? I called one of his
relatives that would be my cousin. (He has no bio children that we know of). I explained my situation and
made a plea for her to help me by taking a DNA test to reveal whether I am part of their family or not.
I hit the jackpot! She is nothing short of amazing!! She was overjoyed to help me. Before I told her anything about me personally, she mentioned something about feeling like, “this is the Lord.” I said, “Oh you’re a Christian? Well, so am I…” and things just took off from there. When I say we hit it off I mean like…we
already have plans to visit each other in person! She explained to me that although Mr. Spin has not been officially diagnosed with dementia, it is understood among the family that he has it. She had total compassion on my situation and welcomed me with open arms as a friend, and hopefully as family. As I sit here and update this blog at 11:00 PM, she is still texting me telling me how excited she is about this. It’s so great to have someone actually EXCITED about DNA testing for me, wanting this to be a match.
So, moments after our initial phone conversation I ordered a DNA
test through Amazon and she will have it Tuesday. I am pinching myself. If this is my paternal family, I already have at least one person who wants a relationship with me and has welcomed me with open arms.We’ve been sitting here on what has seemed like a
dead end for a few years. Although it’s seemed hopeless, Gayle Lechner and Regina Zimberlin have never given up and have worked the DNA, the trees and the circumstantial evidence relentlessly. Even when I felt overwhelmed like I couldn’t go another step they kept working it. And now suddenly, there’s a breakthrough and a possible definitive
answer. In a few weeks, I will know whether Mr. Spin and I are a match.
And now we wait. There is no suspense like waiting for a DNA test result. I hope I never have to know what it’s like again after this.