In this episode, we delve into the inspiring journey of Winston Van Winson, whose life took an unexpected turn when he found solace and love in the care of two women who welcomed him as their own child. Discover how Winston’s transformation from a challenging family environment to a nurturing one showcases the power of love, acceptance, and the unbreakable bond that can form between individuals, regardless of conventional norms. Join us as we explore his story of resilience, highlighting the impact of chosen family and the strength it brings to those who support and uplift one another.
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Ep 15. Heart-to-Heart: Connecting Across Generations in Adoption with Alana Nicol
In this engaging conversation, Alana Nicol opens up about her personal journey through adoption, both as an adopted child and as an adoptive parent. She shares the unique challenges and joys that come with being part of an adoptive family, emphasizing the importance of open communication and connection. Alana discusses her daughter’s experience, the cultural dynamics they navigate, and the evolving nature of identity in their lives. Throughout the conversation, she provides valuable insights and advice for those considering or already involved in adoption, encouraging openness, understanding, and the embracing of diverse family narratives.
Adoptees: Go Where the Light and Love Are
Adoptees often face proverbial brick walls within their birth or adoptive family. These walls are fortified by misplaced
loyalty, secrets, lies, (many of being lies by omission) and the like. Many times well-meaning people will take up the cause of those who are committed to live in secrets and lies. Sometimes they are even loyal to the dead, which is the most bizarre of all.
If you keep secrets, you don’t love.
If you lie, you don’t love.
If you build a wall with people who have done nothing but seek
the truth and are committed to live in truth, that’s not love.
Why don’t we go where the light is…where the love is? It’ because we may not think we deserve it. That’s how I felt until very recently.
I am determined to a fault. Giving up is not my strong suit. And, for so long I did not want to
let go of toxic people just because I
went through hell and back to find them.
My walking path yesterday
Sometimes we have spent so much time walking
in the wrong direction, we keep doing it just because we are so committed to
it. We started out on this road, and by God we’re gonna finish on it! We feel like we have to keep walking down that same path because we’ve
invested so much. Do we really expect the wrong direction to suddenly become right? I did. For a long time, I did. I’m also a believer in miracles, and in people’s ability to change. God knows I’ve changed. I believe other people can too. But sometimes, they don’t. And there we are on the same broken down God-forsaken path that we are hoping beyond hope will change. The difficult truth is that everyone is not committed to truth, change and growth.
Life with toxic people is a one-way street. It won’t lead you back to where you belong. And
it prevents you from spending all the time you can with the people who really care about you.
If they lie to you, keep secrets from you or expect you to play along in any kind of
make-believe world, that is NOT OKAY.
It’s not normal.
It’s not healthy.
It’s not love.
Through some close
friends who have walked with me on this journey, I finally have it through to
my head that people who treat me this way do not deserve me. Life is too short to pursue people
who don’t have enough respect to tell you the truth and to live in the truth.
Someone who has to hide
their relationship with you doesn’t deserve you. Someone who tells people you
are a “friend” when you are really their son or daughter doesn’t deserve you.
Someone who tells people they have two children when they really have three
doesn’t deserve you. Someone who says they have one sibling and not two doesn’t
deserve you. Someone who takes up for their secretive lying family member to preserve their “dignity” pride doesn’t
deserve you. Someone who lies to you about who your father is, they do not love
you. Someone who gives you false clues about who your father is to throw you off track and preserve your mother’s secret doesn’t love you. If someone says they do not know who your father is, but they really do,
they do not love you. If they say they know absolutely nothing about him or the situation but they know even a shred of truth, they do not deserve the blessing of you.
Life is too short to
live in their fantasy world!!! This is not as complicated as some people make it out to be. If they
do not speak the truth and if they do not support you knowing the truth, they are
not kind. They do not love you. They are not a nice person. They are not a good person. It’s as
simple as that. God has more for you than this. You do not have to be a
suffering saint on behalf of your birth family, your adoptive family, or anyone in this world!! No
one has been given the destiny of a doormat and you were not created to be
anyone’s dirty little secret!
I have finally realized that there are pure-hearted people who actually care, who
love me or have the potential to truly love me (and vice versa) who have been
begging me to meet for coffee and the like but I just haven’t made the time
yet. Guess what, I’m making time!!
I’m so sorry to all the friends who
told me, “you deserve more than this” while I kept banging my head against the
proverbial wall trying to keep a connection with toxic people.
Welcome to 2019 and a gal who finally knows her value.
My friends and I are still hard at work on my father-search. I go into any potential paternal reunion a different person. This search WILL ultimately result in success
at some point. The DNA databases are exploding. They say it’s only a matter of
time before everyone on the planet has a first or second cousin on both sides. And more people are testing
internationally every day. More Greek matches are coming for me, for sure. I am going
into my paternal reunion in a different head space. My father may be dead by
that time my case is solved, but the rules will apply for any family member I meet. I will go into
this future reunion knowing my value. That will make for a very different
scenario than it did with my maternal reunion. I’m entering this from a place
of strength, not weakness.
Join me, my friend. Let go of what is toxic in 2019. Live in truth and love and make room for all the goodness God has for
you. Wonderful people will line up to meet you for coffee, I promise.
Enjoy Your Life While You Wait
I’ve been waiting to know who my biological father is for 54
years. It shouldn’t be this way for anyone on the planet. It’s simply absurd that any human being would not know where they come from. But for some of us,
it’s reality. And, as wonderful as your current life may be, you still want to know where it all originated. I’ve had some sad days in the journey of waiting to
know my bio father, or know about him if he’s no longer living or rejects me. But long ago I decided I wasn’t going to let it
steal my joy. Ziplining with my family in Mexico.Life is never problem free. So, we’ve got learn to enjoy our life even
though we have troubles. Doing my Titanic pose in Guatemala last year.I’ve been waiting so long to know who my bio father is, it’s hard to imagine not being in the circumstance anymore of not knowing who I come from. But that day is coming.
As I wait for it, I’m going to enjoy the heck out of life. I make it a point to celebrate everything from the mundane to the
miraculous.
I savor my first cup of coffee in the morning and actually
start thinking about it the night before. (Yes, seriously. Sometimes I break down and make a cup at night even though I know the caffeine isn’t a good idea.) I never get tired of the coffee bar my husband surprised me with a few years ago when I came home from Africa. It’s never lost on me what an amazing man he is to do this for me. Speaking of my husband, he’s been mine for 33 years of marriage and two years of dating. We still enjoy each other. Plenty of people complained during the pandemic that their partner was driving them crazy and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house. Not us. We found out, we still like each other. From an itty bitty studio apartment our first year of marriage where we didn’t have two nickels to rub together…to now when we are blessed beyond belief… We are still happy. This was my face when he surprised me on my birthday two years ago with an upgrade to a suite on our cruise. I was happy during the early days of marriage when I was figuring out how to make a package of four pieces of chicken last an entire week. I would mix it with a few potatoes, onions and a can of tomatoes and stew it. It got us through and we were loving life. I’m just as happy now when he’s surprising me with crazy nice stuff but if it all went away tomorrow, I would still be happy. It’s not about material things, but I’m thankful for everything. I treasure every moment with my family. I can’t wait to do the
next thing with them.Family Cruise to Alaska 2019Jordan, Tori and Mila Livvy and Brody I adore our sweet puppy. Manchester Shrodes
Manny is my unofficial support animal, my official snuggle buddy and nap partner.I take time to really celebrate every success at work before
moving on to the next project. Thrive 2019 at the Ocean Center Arena, Daytona Beach I am mindful with every class I take at SEU what a blessing it is to have the opportunity to further my education . I am
appreciative of every moment with my classmates, knowing that we won’t always have
these times together as a group. We will graduate in May 2022 and our lives
will go on.
As much as I love to travel and explore, I take joy in being at home relaxing on a rainy day, reading books from another special space Larry created for me. Books have ALWAYS made me happy…Yes, this is really me, taking every opportunity to read.Walking outdoors and bike riding always makes me feel on top of the world. Like I could do anything, and solve the world’s problems. Bike riding in Alaska – 2019.Bath bombs,
body butter, and the coziness of candlelight make me really happy. Actually, ridiculously happy. I light candles every day at our home.I am fond of creating meals for our family or going out to dinner. I get excited just to set the table. Taking photos is a regular thing, like with the eggplant this past week that I made for us to celebrate Lexi’s homeschooling accomplishments with the kids.
I don’t have to wait until I have found my bio father and paternal
family to enjoy life to the fullest. But that doesn’t mean I don’t really want to find them. There is always that longing no matter how happy I am. I’ve spoken to hundreds of adoptees about this, and find a lot of agreement on this. Speaking of finding my paternal family…
There are more leads right now.
We are getting closer.
We never give up.Ever.
I have the best friends who join me in working on the search.
They have been faithful for years, especially Gayle Lechner, my favorite minion. She is still not done overturning every stone in Richmond, Virginia and I love that she won’t ever stop. Gayle
We ask the questions and believe for answers. We pray to find kind, helpful people who understand. Most of
the time we do. When we don’t, I remind
myself that nothing worth it is every easy.
If you are an adoptee and you are searching, I
encourage you to enjoy your life while you
are waiting. Our family jumping for joy, back when the kids were in high school.If you have already finished your search and experience
secondary rejection (been there, done that) you can also enjoy your life
despite that terrible reality you face. There is life after secondary
rejection. That’s another post for another day.
No matter what circumstance you face, delight in the sweet
parts of your life. You’ve already lost enough. Hold on to happiness like a hair on a grilled cheese sandwich!!Fun moment with the Guatemala missions team last year. Favorite day!