Ep.10 Unbreakable Bonds: Dan’s Story of Connection with His Biological Family

Recently I decided to read the Gospel of John in the Bible
with fresh eyes. Basically this entails trying to forget I know any of the
information contained therein and try to take it in like  I’m reading it for the first time. I’m doing
this in an effort to know Jesus more and differently than before.

In my quest to do this I came upon a verse in chapter one (Amplified version) that
I had never seen before. It’s this one – verse 13, that I made a graphic of. I
can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. When I came across it this time, it deeply spoke to me. 

For a long time I’ve said
that I feel like I was dropped out of heaven, not really of
this world. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not implying that I’m God or any
type of god, or an angel. Certainly not. What I am saying is that I’ve never
felt like I fit in here. A huge part of that is all the pieces that are still
missing. I have very little  information to speak of about my first two months of existence in the hospital and foster care. I have no photos of myself before three months of age.   I have heard many adoptees say they have a hard time feeling like they
truly exist because they don’t know where they came from or who they came from.There are many unanswered questions, and my bio mother chose to go to the grave refusing to answer them.  So, I give God the credit for getting me here. He gets all the gratefulness.Thank you, John 1:13. You rock. I am born of God.

 I got this text today from Angela. (The person who DNA tested for me that I hope is my cousin.) As you can see, DNA results can come in at literally any second
now. I am a mix of excited and apprehensive. In my experience as an adoptee, this moment in time where you are waiting on a DNA result is so unique. In
one sense, I love this moment because hope is alive. Never do I have as much hope as when I’m waiting for those results. When results come back as not a match as has happened to me numerous times, I
do get the feeling for a while that hope is dashed on the rocks into a million
pieces. It’s that, “oh my God, we are back to square one…” sinking feeling.  In my experience when that happens, hope is slowly regained through the
encouragement of others.   

I am in a really good headspace right now regarding the
results. I can’t say that things have always been that way. There have been
times I have hoped against hope and known that if it wasn’t a match I was going
to be rather emotional about it for a while.  I am not sure why, but I am not
feeling that this time. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through this so many
times. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten stronger emotionally. This isn’t to say
that it isn’t excruciating mentally or that adoptees shouldn’t take it hard when that happens. I
realize this is totally subjective as well. People handle things differently.

I’ve developed even more of the attitude that relinquishment,
adoption, sealed records, secondary rejection, failed reunion, and everything
surrounding it has already taken so much from my life and I don’t want it to
take any more from me.     

I want this to be a match more than I could ever
express. But if it’s not, it will not slay me. I’m done with being knocked down
and I am going to win. I don’t know exactly when I will win, but I know I will.