The Disappointment of a Lack of Close DNA Matches

I found my father! Yes! It’s true!

After searching for him for most of my life, and especially
the last ten years, I found my father through a DNA match! It’s OFFICIAL, there is NO DOUBT!

Imagine my surprise that my father, Gus, is ALIVE, and 92 years old, and
still living in the place that he and my mother met!

We talked for the first time on Facetime a few days later, and we
met in person on May 20. We spent five days together and this is just the first
of many trips to see him. In between, we Facetime and talk on the phone.He has fully accepted me, and I’m the happiest gal in the world!

 There’s so much to write, and so much to share but for now I’ll
just say I’m on a cloud and may never come down.  The search is OVER. My father is ALIVE.  I can hear his voice, talk to him about everything and anything, and hug his neck!This is quite literally the best news, ever.     

 I got this text today from Angela. (The person who DNA tested for me that I hope is my cousin.) As you can see, DNA results can come in at literally any second
now. I am a mix of excited and apprehensive. In my experience as an adoptee, this moment in time where you are waiting on a DNA result is so unique. In
one sense, I love this moment because hope is alive. Never do I have as much hope as when I’m waiting for those results. When results come back as not a match as has happened to me numerous times, I
do get the feeling for a while that hope is dashed on the rocks into a million
pieces. It’s that, “oh my God, we are back to square one…” sinking feeling.  In my experience when that happens, hope is slowly regained through the
encouragement of others.   

I am in a really good headspace right now regarding the
results. I can’t say that things have always been that way. There have been
times I have hoped against hope and known that if it wasn’t a match I was going
to be rather emotional about it for a while.  I am not sure why, but I am not
feeling that this time. Perhaps it’s because I’ve gone through this so many
times. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten stronger emotionally. This isn’t to say
that it isn’t excruciating mentally or that adoptees shouldn’t take it hard when that happens. I
realize this is totally subjective as well. People handle things differently.

I’ve developed even more of the attitude that relinquishment,
adoption, sealed records, secondary rejection, failed reunion, and everything
surrounding it has already taken so much from my life and I don’t want it to
take any more from me.     

I want this to be a match more than I could ever
express. But if it’s not, it will not slay me. I’m done with being knocked down
and I am going to win. I don’t know exactly when I will win, but I know I will.